In my years of working with divorcing spouses, I have come to understand that divorce is an act of hope. Although it can be tempting to view the end of a marriage cynically, the decision to divorce is ultimately about forging a new beginning. A rejection of continued unhappiness, the choice to start one’s life anew implies a hopeful belief that life ahead can offer more satisfaction. It is an act of courage and aspiration worthy of support and admiration.
Of course, there are other emotions at play as well. Divorcing spouses may wrestle with fear, anger, anxiety and disappointment just to name a few. And unless that feeling of hope is nurtured it can be easily subsumed by negative impulses. Bereft of hope and awash in skepticism, the participants face a much more challenging road ahead. But armed with the hope of a brighter future, divorcing spouses are better equipped to make thoughtful decisions more likely to ensure their future happiness and ability to look back at their divorce with the comforting knowledge that they behaved in ways that were consistent with their values.
Nobody believes divorce will be easy. Radical change never is. So we may as well embrace that the willingness to undertake that challenge reflects an underlying optimism. The practice of Collaborative Divorce not only honors that sense of hope, it seeks to employ its power. Hope serves to smooth the process and to direct the participants toward meaningful and lasting success.
One of the basic tenets of Collaborative Divorce is that we seek to attack the problems, not each other. Rather than forcing spouses and their attorneys to labor at cross purposes (with all the unpleasantness and inefficiency that implies – picture two people pushing a rock from opposite directions), the Collaborative model helps the parties and the professionals to work creatively to solve the problems together. By cooperatively pushing the “rock” in the same direction, the work is less frustrating and more productive.
Just as importantly, the experience of working together collaboratively begins to form a foundation for how the couple sees the possibility of their relationship going forward. Rather than enduring an experience of having to struggle against each other every step of the way, parties using the Collaborative model often get to experience the encouraging satisfaction of learning to work together toward a common purpose. Even relatively small successes achieved through collaboration can be nurture hope in ways that enduring antagonistic struggles can thwart. Consider the enormity of that difference when viewed as the first step in the journey into a new stage of relationship with your spouse.
Within every divorcing spouse lives a seed of hope. If left untended, that seed can easily be trampled beneath fear and conflict. But if it is nurtured with the help of a well-trained team of collaborative professionals, it can blossom into a healthy and vibrant new beginning. Just think of the possibilities.
